You Can Create A Perfect Relationship, If You Follow These 5 Rules
9 Rules Happy Couples Follow When They Fight
In the throes of an argument, both parties are often thinking more about their comebacks than what the other person has to say. We immediately become defensive in arguments, says Walsh. This is a feeding ground for miscommunication and results in two people simply talking at one another, without digesting and building off of one another's thoughts and feelings. "The person who is not being heard will find somebody to listen," says Walsh. "And that person will be either a lover or a lawyer."
This is a big one. Don't begin sentences with "you," says Walsh. You need to take full responsibility of your feelings so instead of saying, "You're making me angry," try, "I feel angry when..." This helps your partner feel less defensive and more willing to listen to what you're saying.
When a fight comes out of nowhere—like when one of you loses it during a long car ride—Walsh recommends having what she calls an "automatic sound bite" to slow things down. Saying something like "That didn't feel very good," when your guy criticizes your driving skills will show him your feelings are hurt. It's the first step to getting your emotions under control and managing the argument in a more productive way.
It's important to understand one another's fighting styles, says Walsh. For example, you may need to take a walk and check out for 10 minutes in order to get a clear head. Letting your partner know that you need a break is way better than walking out the door mid-sentence without saying a word.
If you're aware that you're about to say something controversial, remember to HALT. That means don't bring up a sensitive topic when one or both parties are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. (It's a recipe for overreactions.) Plan to have these discussions when both of you are calm and in a good space mentally.
MORE:8 Sex Habits Of Super Happy Couples
Couples who think every fight is the end of the world aren't able to realize that the bad stuff is just a difficult moment, explains Walsh. But when two people are truly invested in what they have together, they aren't as likely to be caught up in specific moments of unease. If you view your bond as more valuable than whatever you're pissed about today, it will allow you to prioritize what really matters.
Remember: the frequency of your conflicts is less crucial than how you fix those fights, whether you need makeup sex or a few hours alone. None of these methods are necessarily superior to the other, says Walsh. What's vital is that the repair happens fully, and no one is harboring resentment after the fact.
At a certain point, nothing good comes of staying up all night, trying to hash it out.
Video: 8 Secret Habits of Happy Couples
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